Because of this problem I had as a kid, I took all kinds of communication courses, interpersonal, guild courses, influence, negotiations, mediation, conflict resolution, public speaking, everything. So I thought I was quite the communications expert, but I still had trouble with honesty. When I was honest, it didn’t go well. When I wasn’t honest, I felt horribly. And then at Columbia, I had a revelation, and I realized the things that I was doing, which were really ineffective. But what was more disturbing about it is that I realized I was behaving in ways that were also counter to my own values. I really believed in the importance of listening. And like Stephen Covey, I was a huge Covey fan. Speak first, understand before being understood. My favorite chapter. I could give you the greatest lecture on how to listen, right? Which is funny. But could I listen well? No. So it’s like there is this gap between, not only did I have just a gaping confidence gap with being honest, but also I found myself behaving in ways that stood in contradiction with how I believed I behaved and even wanted to. So when I went there, this was a horrible experience going through this class that I went through.
Not am I incompetent, but I’m a hypocrite. That’s awesome. Yes. But I understood why, which was helpful, because when I realized I couldn’t behave according to, say, Stephen Covey’s dictums, which I really wanted to, you punish yourself for it. What’s wrong with me? I just need to try harder, read a buckle down, read that chapter again, and nothing would work. And then I discovered the work of this amazing guy named Chris Arjers. Chris Arjers was this… I call him the Einstein of the social sciences. The guy wrote 30 books, 150 articles, received 14 honorary doctorates for his massive contributions to multiple fields, and I discovered his research. And it turns out that whenever we feel like the conversation is going to be threatening or embarrassing, or whenever there’s a level of complexity in the conversation, we start to feel in over our heads. This overprotective program kicks in that really renders us ineffective or makes us employ really suboptimal strategies when we really need to be honest with one another, but also blocks us from acting according to our higher principles. And the short, he called it very sexually Model One, which is why nobody ever heard of it.
Because of this problem I had as a kid, I took all kinds of communication courses, interpersonal, guild courses, influence, negotiations, mediation, conflict resolution, public speaking, everything. So I thought I was quite the communications expert, but I still had trouble with honesty. When I was honest, it didn’t go well. When I wasn’t honest, I felt horribly. And then at Columbia, I had a revelation, and I realized the things that I was doing, which were really ineffective. But what was more disturbing about it is that I realized I was behaving in ways that were also counter to my own values. I really believed in the importance of listening. And like Stephen Covey, I was a huge Covey fan. Speak first, understand before being understood. My favorite chapter. I could give you the greatest lecture on how to listen, right? Which is funny. But could I listen well? No. So it’s like there is this gap between, not only did I have just a gaping confidence gap with being honest, but also I found myself behaving in ways that stood in contradiction with how I believed I behaved and even wanted to. So when I went there, this was a horrible experience going through this class that I went through.
Not am I incompetent, but I’m a hypocrite. That’s awesome. Yes. But I understood why, which was helpful, because when I realized I couldn’t behave according to, say, Stephen Covey’s dictums, which I really wanted to, you punish your it. What’s wrong with me? I just need to try harder, read a buckle down, read that chapter again, and nothing would work. And then I discovered the work of this amazing guy named Chris Arjers. Chris Arjers was this… I call him the Einstein of the social sciences. The guy wrote 30 books, 150 articles, received 14 honorary doctorates for his massive contributions to multiple fields, and I discovered his research. And it turns out that whenever we feel like the conversation is going to be threatening or embarrassing, or whenever there’s a level of complexity in the conversation, we start to feel in over our heads. This overprotective program kicks in that really renders us ineffective or makes us employ really suboptimal strategies when we really need to be honest with one another, but also blocks us from acting according to our higher principles. And the short, he called it very sexually Model One, which is why nobody ever heard of it.
But basically, it’s overprotective program that drives you to try to get what you want and to avoid any discomfort in the process. So I’m trying to get what I want, and I want to keep things comfortable. But I really believe in, like curiosity. I really believe in courage. But if I’m trying to get what I want, what does that do with my curiosity? If I’m really trying to keep myself and you comfortable, what does that do to my courage? So it’s like I discovered that we’re all divided within ourselves. We have these higher natures that we believe and want to aspire to, but then we have this other aspect of our nature, which is profoundly overprotective. And then once I realized that, I also realized this was a universal phenomenon seemingly affecting all people in the world. And let me see if I could do something to fix it. And so that was 1994, three, somewhere there. And since then, I dedicated myself to helping people overcome this overprotective program and make them really good at candor so they can express the truth of what they think in ways that people appreciate and don’t get all defensive about.
And that actually enables them to make a much greater impact than that’s needed, and that would otherwise be possible.
