The pure way of saying it is: just ask more questions.
Like, sometimes even before you express yourself, maybe you could say: “Hey, I’ve got an opinion on this thing, but before I share, I really want to better understand how you think, what you think about it.” So maybe you start with exploring what they think before expressing what you think.
And that’s kind of an antidote to aggressiveness, I think.
Yeah. Listening—you just can’t go wrong.
Generally not.
There’s a trap there, though. Because if you overcorrect and you end up leading with too many questions—first of all, if you ask people too many questions without giving them something back, and without sharing more of what you’re thinking, then at a certain point people can feel like they’re on a witness stand.
And we poll the groups all the time: “How many questions—forget people who are really interested in what you think—how many questions do you think you could tolerate before they’ve got to share more of what they think?” Everybody’s like: “About three.” You know, three to four. Some I heard go: “One.” And he goes: “Yeah, but I’m very impatient.” Like, okay, got it.
But then the thing you really have to watch out for is asking leading questions. Because if you take my advice the wrong way, it could backfire on you hard.
Remember, this is advice for the person who is too aggressive. So what they might do is go: “Okay, let me not share my point of view, let me ask a question instead.” Okay, I’m fine with that. But whatever you do, don’t ask leading questions.
And leading questions aren’t really questions. Leading questions are questions I’m using to steer you to my point of view, so that you can see it without me having to say it.
Like, imagine again—you’re a financial advisor or something. Imagine your manager was listening to the call you had with a potential client. And then the manager goes: “So, how do you think the conversation went?” You’re like: “I think it went pretty well.” “Any opportunities to do better?” “Not so sure.” “How do you think the level of engagement was with the client?” At some point, the hint is so thick you could see it coming from Pittsburgh, you know what I mean?
So—and that stuff—it’s so popular. People do this all the time. But it really backfires hard. People see through it. They don’t like it. They’re uncomfortable with it. It’s awkward. All of that.
So for you aggressors out there: don’t turn it into passive-aggressive, where you’re asking these leading questions.
